Sodala, ich weiss nicht ob ich diese Kategorie tatsächlich nochmal für irgendwas anderes benutzen werde, aber im Moment ist mir das herzlich egal. Weil, das hier ist wichtig. Und spassig. Das einzige Problem: das Meiste davon trifft tatsächlich auf die meisten Chinesen zu. Und aus irgendeinem sehr, sehr beängstigendem Grund ist vieles für mich völlig normal.

 

 

You know you've lived in China too long when...


A few shots of Bai jiu don't even give you a buzz.

A June 2001 Great Wall Cabernet (mixed with Sprite) is your vintage of choice

You enjoy wearing flip flops on all occasions

You get your haircut on the sidewalk.

You leave the 'Garbano' designer label conspicuously on the jacket sleeve.

You enjoy karaoke.

You walk backwards in the park listening to a transistor radio.

The China Daily is your source for hard hitting, fast breaking, investigative journalism.

You have grown used to the picture quality of pirated VCDs.

Badminton and ping pong are your main forms of exercise.

You watch 'xiangqi' (Chinese chess) on TV religiously.

You smoke in crowded elevators.

All white people look the same to you.

You like the smell of the bus.

Open spaces make you nervous.

You find state-employed retail staff helpful, knowledgeable and friendly.

People with bright white teeth look frightening to you.

You no longer need tissues to blow your nose.

You find yourself exiting a major highway...on your bike.

You find western toilets uncomfortable.

You throw your used toilet paper in the basket (as a courtesy to the next person).

You think that the heavy air actually contains valuable nutrients that you need to stay healthy.

You draw characters on your hand to make yourself understood.

You ask people in what animal year they were born.

You measure distances in 'Li'.

You think a 30 year old woman who carries a Hello Kitty lunch box is cute.

You developed an acquired taste for mooncakes

A sexual pervert is a man who prefers women to money.

Your building's security guard is 4 times older than the building itself.

It's OK to throw rubbish, including old fridges, from your 18th-floor window.

Thanks to karaoke, you know who has the most singing talent in your building.

You believe that pressing the lift button 63 times will make it move faster.

The ultimate status symbol is a lawn-mower.

You know it is useless to protest when the lady at the supermarket check-out wraps one toothbrush in 6 plastic bags.

You learnt to recognise Andy Lau, Leon Lai, Aaron Kwok and Jacky Cheung. AND JACKY CHAN

You aren't aware that one is supposed to pay for software.

Your colleagues eat sun-dried cuttlefish coated in sugar and you don't bat an eyelid.

A PhD in Nuclear Physics fluent in 7 languages irons your socks for a pittance but she is from the Philippines so it's all right.

You watch an american movie on HBO, with sub-titles, and try to read them.

You think that a $7 shirt is a rip-off.

You think you should wear nylon sox with your Nikes, stilettos or sandals in the summer, instead of cotton ones.

You question the waitress who didn't cut your steak piece by piece, and ask for chopsticks.

You always leave your tray and trash on the table when you are in Starbucks and Maccas because you insist that is the way to keep everyone employed

You're a hardworking person, voluntarily doing over time everyday, because you only chatted with your friends on QQ during office hours.

You buy an XXXL T-shirt when you returned home.

You take large sum of cash whenever you go to the hospital in your home country

You are no longer flinching every few seconds in a Taxi ride.

You have no reservations about spitting sun flower seeds on a restaurant floor.

You start reaching for a piece of fish with your chop sticks and don't even notice the fish looking back at you.

Your washing machine looks like it was made by Matell.

You are now washing your socks in the sink.

You get your ears cleaned in a public square by a guy with a two foot long Q-Tip.

You think it's okay that your girlfriend has a chinese boyfriend too, cause she doesn't like him.

You accept the fact that the bathroom sink "doesn't work" and just use the kitchen sink instead.

You think it's silly to buy a new bike when it'll get stolen soon and stolen bikes are half the price.

You relish the thought of pizza hut, but only go on special occasions.

You'd rather pay the 10 yuan for an all night stay at the internet cafe than the 30 for a taxi home.

You don't ask your 30 year old girlfriend if she wants to stay over cause you know her mom won't let her stay out past 2.

Ice cubes in beer actually make it cooler and more refreshing

You feel cheated if you don't receive a full head and shoulder massage when getting a haircut

You can pick up any type of food using just your chopsticks... even peanuts.

You blow your nose or spit on the restaurant floor (of course after making a loud hocking noise)

The footprints on the toilet seat are your own.

You no longer wait in line, but go immediately to the head of the queue.

You stop at the top or bottom of an escalator to plan your day.

It becomes exciting to see if you can get on the lift before anyone can get off.

It is no longer surprising that the only decision made at a meeting is the time and venue for the next meeting.

You rank the decision making abilities of your staff by how long it takes them to reply "Up To You".

You no longer wonder how someone who earns US$ 400.00 per month can drive a Mercedes.

You accept the fact that you have to queue to get a number for the next queue.

You find that it saves time to stand and retrieve your hand luggage while the plane is on final approach.

You believe everything you read in the local newspaper.

You regard it as part of the adventure when the waiter correctly repeats your order and the cook makes something completely different.

You are not surprised when three men with a ladder show up to change a light bulb.

You look over people's shoulder to see what they are reading.

You would rather SMS someone than actually meet to talk 'face to face'.

You start not answering your mobile so u can call back from your house/ public phone.

You wear nylons when it is 30 degrees outside

You honk your horn at people because they are in your way as you drive down the sidewalk

You regularly fumble for five minutes to find 10 jiao despite 10 people waiting in line behind you.

Car accidents become a source of heartwarming humour.

You ride around on your bicycle ringing a bell for some unknown f***ing reason

When shopping at Carrefour some laowai stares you down for catching you looking into his basket while you wonder to yourself what laowai's eat.

You start telling a story to a new expat friend about the crazy Beijing girl you slept with 6 months ago and he replies that he knows her and she was his girlfriend at the time. Neither of you care.

You start to describe delusional thoughts and fantasies as "healthy passions."

Hookers buy you drinks.

Armpit hair has become a new sex game and play toy.

In a meeting you say everything will be 'wonderful' and give no details.

You forget that the other person needs to finish speaking before you can start.

You start to watch CCTV9 and feel warm and comforted by the governments great work.

You think Pizza Hut is high-class and worth queueing for.

In the rain, you spot a vacant taxi which is 10 minutes away and you have already planned how you are going to jump out with great enthusiasm in the road, elbow everyone else trying to claim it, and wave your hands everywhere in a 'look at me I'm a goal keeper' kind of fashion

You have learnt how to detect someone is in a hurry behind you, and now have the ability to not only walk very slowly but also grow eyes in the back of your head, so when they start to overtake on the right hand side, you automatically cut in and walk very slowly directly in front of them

You watch taxi drivers picking their noses whilst stuck in traffic. Instead of feeling disgusted, you actually admire along with them, the length and breadth of the boogie.

When you turn the volume on the television in the restaurant up so high that you cannot hear what the person across the table from you is saying.

When you are able to jump the queue because the idiot laowai left 2 centimeters between themself and the person in front of them.

When you wear nylon kneehighs with your best dress

You think singing Karaoke on Friday nights is fun.

You talk louder than is necessary.

You are the last of your first group of friends still in China.

Chinese fashion starts looking hip.

You start cutting off large vehicles on your bicycle.

The last time you visited your mother, you gave her your business card.

You think no car is complete without a tissue box on the rear shelf and a feather duster in the trunk.

You go to the local shop in pajamas.

Pollution, what pollution?

You stop enjoying telling newcomers to China "all about China".

When you think it's alright to stick your head into a stranger's apartment to see if anybody's home.

You think that you can impress foreigners by drinking Budweiser.

You have run out of snappy comebacks to compliments about your chopstick skills.

You think "white pills, blue pills, and pink powder" is an adequate answer to the question "What are you giving me, doctor?"

Someone doesn't stare at you and you wonder why.

You see three people on a motorcycle and figure there's room for two more.

"Squid" sounds better than "steak".

There are more things strapped to your bicycle than you would ever put in your car.

Your family stops asking when you'll be coming back.

You don't mind when your date picks his/her nose in public.

You wear out your vehicle's horn before its brakes.

Smoking is one of the dinner courses.

You (male) wear white socks with your business suits.

You (female) wear socks over your pantyhose in summer.

People who knew you when you first arrived don't recognize you.

You buy a top-of-the-line karaoke machine.

You leave the plastic on all new purchases.

Forks feel funny.

The shortest distance between two points involves going through an alley.

Chinese remakes of Western songs sound better than the originals.

It becomes a tradition that at least part of Christmas dinner is stir-fried.

You realize that smiling and nodding is Chinese body language for, "Go away; leave me alone."

Metal scaffolding at construction sites seems much more dangerous than bamboo scaffolding.

250cc is a REALLY BIG motorcycle. (You think moving from a 125cc to a 150cc makes you more macho.)

That unopened bottle of XO has aged longer on your living room shelf than it ever did in France.

You start expecting the rice at the end of a meal

You can make elevators go faster by boarding first and taking over the controls.

You stop calling the Guinness Book of Records people each time you kill a cockroach.

You think of "salad" as diced apples in mayonnaise.

You don't recognize a bowl of chicken soup unless there are feet and a head in it.

You (men) roll your shirt up to your nipples.

You compiled a 3-page list of weird English first names that Chinese people of your acquaintance have chosen for themselves.

Your collection of business cards has outgrown your flat.

You and a friend get on a bus, sit at opposite ends of the bus, and continue your conversation by yelling from one end to the other.

You cannot say a number without making the appropriate hand sign.

You cannot say "Call me." without making a pretend phone with your fingers and sticking to your ear.

You eat at exactly the same time every day, whether you are hungry or not. Then eat again later when you ARE hungry.

You think the head light for the car is only to see the street so it’s more save to switch on the high beam always.

You think that Yao Ming is the best basketball player in the NBA.

You instinctviely shake out your clothes before wearing to remove any dust from drying on your balcony.

When you go back to your own country it feels odd wearing a seatbelt and you think its strange that you cant smoke in a taxi.

You start correcting Southerners on their Putonghua.

When you go back to your home country and you find it odd that when going out to a restaurant, you don’t have 5 wait staff welcoming you at the same time.

You find it strange when everyone’s food at a restaurant is brought out at the same time.

You think no-ass-in-jeans is kind of cute.

You take your foreign friends for shopping and tell the girls at silk street "don't waste my time" with a beijing accent.

You go to a restaurant and don't even dare to ask for an ashtray - you just use the puplic one (the floor).

You stop wondering why somebody stole your 150 kuai bike again.

You turn on CCTV on max volume at 1 am and believe every single word the government says.

Firecrackers don’t wake you up

You start recognizing the Chinese songs on the radio and sing along to them with the taxi driver.

You start to enjoy warm beer.

You start making lists like this.


[22:23:34] LauraInChina: when someone approaches you to ask the way, you start talking really fast and then say it over and over again in the same speed when you realize they don't understand you, but don't even think about slowing down.